Give It Up.

I am not, by nature, a competitive person. 

I don't think there is really all that much in life worth being competitive over.

I care about things, deeply. And I will fight for the things I care about. But it seems to me that if I have to fight with someone over something I would have to care about that something an awful lot.

True love?

Worth fighting for.

Who has bigger boobs?

Not. 

This tid-bit of information now exposed, it should be said that me and people like me see through this bullshit in about 0.002 seconds. Some of you may think that you are being sly, or slick, or charming, but the truth is you just look like the type of person who would gladly gnaw off their left thumb than be wrong even once. When people like me meet people like you, most of you will get away with it. Sad, but true. Pointing it out, often, only makes things worse and  I, personally, don't have the energy to fight for the last word.

And I don't care all that much.

So, though out my years of existence I have deduced that there are a few different ways that this competitive gene manifests itself in people. As I have said previously, this usually isn't a big deal. Yes, I will judge you, but no, I will not call you out on it. 

The first of the data set can and should be described as the " I-know! I..." They can be spotted by the use of the phrase, I know! I... which is then usually followed by a story of their own.

Notice the abundance of the word I. These are the type of people who cannot help but turn your story back around on themselves. They can skillfully take a decent conversation and turn it into a way for you to feel like shit and for them to feel like something only slightly better.
Mushrooms, maybe.
Whatever the case, often they go out of their way to make sure the story they are telling you cannot possibly be "beat" or "one-upped."

Say you have recently found yourself going through a prolonged illness or injury.

The "I-know! I..." will take the sharing of your pain, not as an attempt to express your frustration with the situation but rather as an invitation to explain to you why you don't really have it that bad. They will always have had an injury much worse, even if they didn't. The "I-know! I..." is also very fond of randomly interjecting these same type of stories into a conversation even when said interjection has little or nothing to do with the topic being discussed.
The truth about the "I-know! I.." is that they are probably the least annoying of the types on this list. They mean well, but they simply cannot help themselves. This isn't saying that they shouldn't be called out eventually but I warn you, calling out this particular type of person can result in a perceived over-reaction. Given that the "I-know! I.." commits a rather small infraction, often it's not worth the argument that might follow.

The second of the data set can be called the "naner,naner,naner" so called because of the elementary way in which they like to win.
Nanners can be most closely linked to the teacher's pet from your days in elementary mediocrity, although they do share characteristics with the tall kid who would hold your backpack over his head and make you jump for it. These people have at least some legitimate claim to the throne upon which they so haughtily sit. They usually have some grounds on which to brag and because of that it is inappropriate to be angered by their achievements. What isn't inappropriate is to be pissed off when they never let you forget it.
By referencing that one time they urinated off the top of an outhouse, or killed a man in Reno just to watch him die, they will find some way to stake their flag of achievement into your otherwise painless and normal existence.Nanners can either be former high achievers or current high achievers, it matters not.
Now, the truth about the Nanners is that they know exactly what they are doing and, usually, they just don't care. Motivations differ Nanner to Nanner, but often it stems from lack of self confidence. This fact might incline you to take it easy on the Nanner: don't. The last thing they need is someone going along with their ploy. But don't call it out either. No, the best course of action is just to simply be supportive. When they nanner all over you just bring attention back to the things about them that really make them special.
Point out their sense of humor if they have one.

The third and most enraging of all the manifestations I lovingly call, "gum-shoes" for their uncanny ability to get stuck to your life and never leave. These annoying little pricks go out of their way to take away all you hold dear, simply because they can. The kicker is that once they have it, and they will, they prance about, making sure that you notice just what is going on.
Say you are up for a promotion along with the gum-shoe. Now, everyone in the office knows you deserve it. They know how much work you put in and that you are the best person for the job. The gum-shoe is the type of person who will go out of their way to point out your flaws without ever once mentioning their own. Now, its good business sense to promote yourself in these situations but what is different about the gum-shoe is that they don't promote themselves they demote you. Now, once the gum-shoe gets the promotion, which they will, they will use this new found power to make your life a living hell. Don't get me wrong gum-shoes don't limit this to the workplace.
I have had friends, actual human people, be used as pawns in this asinine game.
This is the same kind of behavior we see though out middle and high school and often this is exactly where the gum-shoe learned that they can get away with it. I will not point out why this, in itself, should be reason enough for anyone to analyze their behavior. Instead, I will simply say that any recourse you would have taken while under the age of 19, should be viewed as a non-existent option once grown.
The gum-shoes truth is even more disturbing than that of the Nanner. While the Nanner is aware of what they are doing, the gum-shoe actively plans just how they can make this life of yours more unbearable than it already is. The motivation for the gum-shoe is almost always a sad, sad mix of a sub-par self-confidence and a view of you as a perceived threat. The only way to deal with these people is immediate confrontation. Do no be afraid.

Clearly, these aren't the only classifications but they are the most common.

I will not fight with people like this. Often, I won't even go out of my way to deal with people like this unless absolutely necessary. They get too much joy out of your pain. The games they play with only further complicate your life, if you allow yourself to think about them too much.
I guess, at the base of all of this is the idea that these people are just as hurt as you and I and just didn't learn an appropriate way to deal with it. I wish the world could slow down long enough for them to realize that there are only a few things worth fighting for and if people would go out of their way every once in awhile, you may not ever have to fight at all. It really is all about kindness, even to the people you don't think deserve it. Be kind, be soft, but never let people treat you as if you don't matter.
You do.

The source of anger is almost always hurt. 

I am beyond guilty of often confusing the two. There are certain things, when done, that will always cause me hurt and, ergo, will always make me angry. I pretend to understand why these things spur this response and perhaps there is some deep psychological synapse firing, but in the end none of this really matters. My scars do not have to impact the way I behave.  I have fairly competent reasoning skills and I like to believe that equips me with the ability to think though my pain and come out clean on the other side. 

Unfortunately, this is not the case.

 For whatever reason, I have grown up following the school of thought that says if something gets to be too much to deal with, run away until you've built up enough emotional strength to get though it. 

I am not crazy.

I know this is, probably, the worst possible way of dealing with things. 

The problem is I can't seem to think of anything better to do. I know, rationally, that the best course of action would be to sit down with the source of my problem, talk it out, and move on. But what happens when talking isn't an option? Or, when people simply don't want to listen? More than once I have gotten hurt so badly, and become so angry that the idea of even living in the same town as the person who hurt me seems unbearable. In these cases I move. Often just out of the city for a bit. Once, all the way to Texas.

As I've said before, I am terribly guilty of living my life for others. Because of this I tend to get myself into uncomfortable situations socially. Now, it must be stated that I do play both sides of the field. But I never lie, and I never take up arms for either side. Both sides know exactly what the Swiss and I have in common. I get slammed between that metaphorical rock and a hard place more than I care to. Most of the time I do my best to not let it bother me. I wriggle my way out by appealing to both the rock and it's similarly hard companion and establish for myself a few moments of clear thought. Being forced into any situation is difficult, but when you are shoved between two friends the need to treat the situation gingerly can backfire quickly. 

It should not be assumed that I never have an opinion. Conversations with me quickly prove this to be unequivocally false. My opinions are many and varied. There are just some situations where your opinion is not only not needed, it is a hindrance. It is these situations that get me into trouble. 

In any argument there is truth on both sides of the story. There may be more truth on one side than on the other but it does exist on both sides. Keeping this in mind and applying what has already been learned here today, you should be able to assess that the problem I run into is deciding what part of what side of the story is true. I could spend the next three days talking about perception and how just because something seems to be an affront to your person, it may not have been. But I would be wasting my bad ass word per minute skills, because perception is just another way of saying ignorance. 

Rationally, as humans, we have to have some knowledge of the people around us. But, in the end, all we are left thinking about is ourselves. There usually isn't very much wrong with this, in fact, it keeps us alive. But, it becomes a big issue when we forget that it is this same single-minded view of the world that creates issues that don't  really exist. All those times I have been hurt before probably don't exist like I believed them to. All I know is that they hurt and it is the deep emotional response that causes all the problems. Because we think about us all the time we want or believe others do to. So, we take every comment, every canceled plan, and every side-ways glance as a reflection of the animosity and hatred they feel, when in reality all it probably is just what they say it is. 

Sometimes, its not. 

Look, we all play games. Every one of us. Life is hard and getting along with people can be challenging. So, we create these little tricks and maneuvers to help us navigate those murky waters. Some people play games that help preserve and others are all about destroying, the point is that people don't really know what they are doing. It's just what has worked for them in the past. Some people don't understand that the same actions that seem like second nature to them are actually hurtful and damaging. Holding on to a relationship long after its over isn't good for either person, and perceiving threats where none exist just creates walls that eventually have to come down. 

There really isn't a solution to this. Not really. In Utopia, people would think about others more and not be so quick to jump to conclusions. But this is not Utopia and it never will be. What we have is a world that is fragmented into bits and pieces, each one holding up a person or idea. These pieces are not like those of a puzzle, that share a common beginning and therefore could, at one point, be put back together again. These pieces are individually shaped by who we are. The edges round out through the wear and tear of daily life, and by the perpetual need to bump into others. Eventually, these pieces lay smooth and the water flows as undisturbed as possible, but there will always be those who resist the change and make those of us living down stream deal with the rapids they create.Inevitably, this will cause hurt, but the knowledge that this hurt is temporary and largely in our own minds can hopefully put to rest the nagging voice that tells us otherwise and we can begin to understand that the only thing we should worry about is how we talk to, talk about, and treat other people.

Nothing more.

Sometimes when I'm sitting, quietly, I can feel my dreams kiss me. 

Their lips rest softly on my cheek and remind me I'm alive. 

Somewhere along the line I started living my life for other people. I started feeling ashamed of who I was and became a care taker by default. I thought there wasn't very much interesting about me, but the people around me always needed nurturing. If I could not develop my life into something worth living than I would spend my time nurturing that something in others. This will always be a part of who I am. I care too deeply for the people around me. So deeply, that instead of saying something bothers me the moment it happens, I will lock it away and pretend it is my fault. Ultimately, I will have a moment of clarity and realize that there is nothing wrong with me and spew forth the rotten, vile, hurtful things that have been decomposing in my gut. I will hurt someone. 

I don't like to be alone. I don't like the feeling of having to deal with things by myself, but I am also too stubborn to bother anybody with what is going on. I will ask for help once. If no one thinks it's a big deal, I must be making mountains out of molehills. I'm strong, but I have been holding on for a long time and even the strongest muscles can atrophy.

 

How is it that you can be surrounded by friends and still feel so alone?

The difficult part of all of this is that I don't really expect people to understand. I don't. The strife stems from a deep desire to be more than I am and an understanding that that may never come. It stems from the fear that no matter what I do there will always be someone better to choose and I will be left to flounder. 

Moments of clarity give way to debilitating doubt and I am left to wander. 

Through all of this I know, at my core, that it is these characteristics working in perfect harmony with the rest of me that makes me an amazing person. I know that my caring and my strength make me the type of girl I should be happy to be. I also know, that stumbling upon someone who appreciates it enough to love me, is rare. To deny that I want a family would be the worst kind of lie. To deny that I want love would be suicide. The question is, what kind of love will I be left with? Will the universe ever see fit to bestow upon me the happiness I see in the relationship around me? Or, will I, instead, be relegated to world? 

It seems silly to worry. And to some, the idea may be ludicrous. But to me, love is the thing I live to give and long so desperately for.