I found this on the PostSecret website this morning.
As life so often goes, I have been thinking about just this sort of thing a lot lately. I never wanted to be the type of person who would sacrifice my own happiness for the sake of someone else's. And yet that is the exact person I turned out to be. I used to believe that there was little I could do about this. That this personality was just one that I had to deal with. It was just something I had to accept. Now, I know that I don't have to and that I don't want to.
A few years ago I tried to take my life into my own hands and moved to Austin. The first couple weeks were a whirlwind. I went to as many shows as I could, I deep-water free soloed for the first time, and I found a job working with amazing people that I came to accept as my family while I was down there. The strange thing was that in that moment, I didn't appreciate anything that I was doing. I spent all my time wanting my friends to be there with me. I wanted to share this experience with everyone I loved back home. Looking back on it, I know that this is the real reason I decided to move back. I was looking for an excuse. So, when I was faced with the decision to stay and tough it out or move back home and have a go at a relationship I had wanted so badly for years, I caved under the pressure, packed up my life and moved back home. To say I regret this decision would be, in many ways, a gross understatement. Upon my return, I discovered I wasn't really all that missed. The relationship I had returned for dissolved in a matter of moments and my friends seemed nothing but ambivalent to see me. The truth is, I felt ashamed. Even on the 14-hour drive home I knew what I was doing was the wrong thing to do.
In the end, I suppose the decision to come back has served some sort of purpose.
But my whole point to this is that I had made most of my decisions in reaction to or in preparation for the actions and decisions of other people. I hadn't really ever taken a second to think deeply about how I was going to go about getting what I wanted or becoming who I wanted to be. Part of me probably thought the whole process would just happen through osmosis. After coming to this realization, I got beyond upset. I was livid. I didn't understand how I had allowed myself to forfeit the only true source of power I had as a person. I lashed out at the people around me and starting picking fights with some of my dearest of friends and it made me feel awful. In my lame attempt to take back the control over my life that I thought I had lost I caused a lot of people a lot of hurt. Looking back on this, I don't know if I regret my actions so much as I regret their consequences. I know that at that time that is what needed to happen in order for me to be the person I was supposed to be. I needed that moment to lash out against the person I had been for so long. However, I do deeply regret the hurt it caused and if there was a way for me to go back and learn the same lessons without the pain of my friends as a blood ransom, I would.
After all of that, the interesting thing is, I still find myself thinking of other people's happiness, but I don't let them get in the way of me achieving what it is that I want to achieve. I still love my friends with my whole heart but will no longer allow them to make me feel like I have no voice. I know what it is that I want. I know who I want to be and in that knowledge I understand that sometimes I will have to sacrifice a relationship that I have put both time and effort into. This is a fact of life that I have learned (however begrudgingly) to accept.
But my whole point to this is that I had made most of my decisions in reaction to or in preparation for the actions and decisions of other people. I hadn't really ever taken a second to think deeply about how I was going to go about getting what I wanted or becoming who I wanted to be. Part of me probably thought the whole process would just happen through osmosis. After coming to this realization, I got beyond upset. I was livid. I didn't understand how I had allowed myself to forfeit the only true source of power I had as a person. I lashed out at the people around me and starting picking fights with some of my dearest of friends and it made me feel awful. In my lame attempt to take back the control over my life that I thought I had lost I caused a lot of people a lot of hurt. Looking back on this, I don't know if I regret my actions so much as I regret their consequences. I know that at that time that is what needed to happen in order for me to be the person I was supposed to be. I needed that moment to lash out against the person I had been for so long. However, I do deeply regret the hurt it caused and if there was a way for me to go back and learn the same lessons without the pain of my friends as a blood ransom, I would.
After all of that, the interesting thing is, I still find myself thinking of other people's happiness, but I don't let them get in the way of me achieving what it is that I want to achieve. I still love my friends with my whole heart but will no longer allow them to make me feel like I have no voice. I know what it is that I want. I know who I want to be and in that knowledge I understand that sometimes I will have to sacrifice a relationship that I have put both time and effort into. This is a fact of life that I have learned (however begrudgingly) to accept.
